Living By The Moonlight

“Living by the moonlight is the way to go. I don’t want anything to do with empty people. People who try to fill their lives with pointless things, wondering where it all went wrong. It’s good for me and the people who don’t understand.”

The purpose of this blog is to empower people who have endured, or are currently enduring, abuse. More specifically, Narcissistic abuse. There is thankfully plenty of material available which details Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), coping strategies for victims, and how to stay safe and sane. I have included the knowledge that was most helpful to me in the Resources section of this blog.

However, I don’t think I have the appropriate knowledge or skill to contribute to the technical, psychological aspect of understanding Narcissism. Instead, I aim to fulfill the purpose of this blog by empowering through ideas, through my writing which focuses on power, in three key ways:

  1. To explore the twisted Power dynamic between Narcissists and their victims (especially HSP/Empaths) by using theories of power found in political science. As a political scientist, I want to apply this knowledge at an interpersonal level in such a way that is clear and easy to comprehend. I realized that when I started examining the dynamic between my Narc and I through these lens, it was one way I could empower myself and go No Contact.
  2. To explore the role of Emotions (most predominately Love) and morality, and how these can be our strongest sources of power against Narcissists.
  3. To explore the power of Identity: how we can remain true to ourselves in spite of-or even because of-Narcissistic abuse, and how, lacking access to their True Self, Narcissists are ultimately rendered powerless.

My writing will be reflective, possibly poetic, and since it deals with an abstract idea, mainly conceptual. Which is not to say that it cannot be put to practical use-that’s what the Resources are there for! My hope is that through a different  conceptualization and understanding of power, people will be able to recognize new ideas of how they can take it back for themselves and break the cycle of abuse. After all, ideas cause revolutions; thinking differently about a situation can be the catalyst to permanently changing that situation.

For example, we are familiar with the cycle of Idealize/Devalue/Discard. It is certainly not a pleasant experience, and realizing that you have been Discarded by the Narc can be crushing. I propose a different kind of cycle. It might be helpful and interesting to envision relationships with the Narc as phases of the Moon:

The first phase is the Dark Moon. The start of a magnificent seduction, what we think will lead to a shared understanding, a mutual respect. Perhaps we are enraptured in innocent adoration, something like sparks meeting snow, something like the way the ocean will always meet the shore-we believe in the best. This is what we are made to believe by the Narcs’ False Self.  

Next is the waxing, the rumination on our bright future, the hope in possibility, in hard work, in the good, always the good. In a kinder world, this would be our time of comfort. Things seem to be going well. There is no reason yet to believe that they would not go well. The Narc knows better.

During the Half Moon, we may find ourselves soaking in a halcyon daze. We may be tortured by doubts. We may stumble into distrust, or notice contradictions or excuses. We may feel ourselves ringing hollow and unfulfilled, experiencing cognitive dissonance. We ignore all this in favour of faith, wanting to believe in the best. The Narc counts on this.

With the rush of the Full Moon, we suddenly experience a full stop. The mask of the Narc has slipped or been ripped off entirely, their actions contradict their words, they offer us expectations (however bare and minimum) which they fail to meet, we feel lost and hurt, as desecrated as a wasteland, and the Narc is not there. The Narc lives for this.

Then there is the waning. We reflect. We cannot stop ourselves from seeing the evidence of betrayals. We wade through our shock. We wonder where it all went wrong. We ask ourselves, very simply and profoundly, “why?” That is the moment when things can never be the same again, because once we have asked why, we can’t stop asking questions, and searching for answers-however painful they are.

Indeed, the final phase, the New Moon, is meant to mark the triumph of understanding and a new, hopeful beginning.

This blog is consequently not for Narcissists. While I do believe that some-extremely rarely-have the capacity to change once they are self-aware, this is only possible through consistent effort on their part, alongside serious professional help. Even then, change is very unlikely and there is no such thing as a healed Narcissist, only one whose behaviour may have been modified to a barely tolerable degree.

Therefore, this blog is for the people who understand. The people that have not allowed their suffering to twist them into monsters; the people that can still recognize the beautiful miracle of life; the people that are fearless in asking questions because they know that is the only way they will find answers; the people that are survivors fuelled by compassion.

The above quote was actually said by my Narc. The tragedy of it is that she is living life exactly opposite of the words she espoused (as almost all Narcs do)-she is living in the shadows. That’s why I firmly believe that the life I live is my evidence, of my core values, aspirations, dreams, and philosophy. I make my choices, and I live their consequences.

I have decided to take a stand against abuse. Against Narcissists and the Chaos they cause. Against my own limitations, demons, and scars. Against pain and darkness, so that I can find joy and light.

I have decided that living by the moonlight means exactly, precisely that: living my life free of Narcs and their empty lives; I have decided that it means living in a way that honours personal truth. I hope this blog can empower people to live by the moonlight.

It is the truest way to live, I think, the only way that will bring any peace and happiness.